Painkiller

I will never forget the year 2008. It was the year I visited the hospital more than twenty times and attended three funerals. Surely this is nothing. But for me, it was the first time in my life that I had to deal with the problem of pain and my own mortality. As a thinking adult, it just strikes me that pain and death is not natural. I was at a loss on how to respond to it. For two whole years, I struggled to accept that pain is part of life, death is part of life. Now I have to, even though I do not fully understand it.

In the midst of all the beauty and the glory of this life, pain never escapes us. Accidents, critical illnesses, war, natural disasters, poverty, deformities, disabilities, disappointments, rejection, unemployment; the list is endless. We can box them into categories, analyse them, give them scientific names, use medicine and painkillers to minimise the pain where possible. But in this imperfect world, we could not eradicate pain and suffering. We never will.

Pain and suffering is a consequence of man's sin. While a particular illness or suffering may not be attributed directly to a specific sin, every human being is an agent of sin. I am one. Not acknowledging sin as part of human responsibility is denying man his human dignity. In acknowledging it, the man is condemned to face the ultimate penalty - death.

I know that suffering should not come as a surprise to the Christian. But even now, at every sight of pain and every news of death, I am struck again and again at the helplessness, the emptiness, the nothingness, the profound brokenness. I do not know how to rid myself of that feeling even though I know there is a place of hope called heaven; a place without tears, a place where we will be given new bodies that will not decay, a place where we no longer need painkillers. How do I begin to rejoice when faced with such darkness in this reality? How do I continue to worship this Almighty God? And yet I must.

I used to think how life would have been different if there was no pain. But if it were so, we would not know how to avert danger. Perhaps we may hurt ourselves more because we do not feel the pain. Look at those who suffer leprosy or those in advanced stages of diabetes. They are unaware that they are hurt due to the lack of the sensation of pain. Where the wound is not treated, it continues to rot all the way until a whole limb has to be amputated. Despite the ugliness of pain, we should really be thankful that we have been given this 'beautiful' pain mechanism to protect us. I also learned that grief is a normal and healthy response to loss. It is said that any person who is old enough to love, is old enough to grief. It is very sobering to think that even a little child is vulnerable to such sorrow.

I once thought I could make sense of pain and suffering. I failed. I do not profess to hold an answer to the age old question of why a loving God would allow pain and suffering in this world. Most people can accept God as the Creator but do not want to think that he is somehow actively involved in the happenings of this world. Some think that he just sits back and looks down at the world as if this life is a stage play, perhaps a game. How entertaining it must be to watch all the drama of life and the misery of men. No! This life is not a game. Never! Even if it was, this God made himself vulnerable by coming down as a human to have a taste of this so called 'game' and allowed himself to suffer under the hands of evil men. What kind of God is this? For that reason we are silenced for we no longer have the right to say that he does not understand our pain.

At the very core, we have to understand that we are not God. He alone, in His wisdom, has the prerogative to do as He pleases and we have no right to question Him. In this lifetime, some would be called to endure great suffering. When in that position, we could choose to rebel against God and to walk alone, without realising that the sense of loneliness and the degree of suffering is excruciatingly more painful without the presence of God. What would we have gained then?